Enter that cave of doom in a hardboiled manner.

Maybe you should get a more reasonable goal. I'm pretty sure that killing EVERY monster isn't going to be possible. And hey not all those monsters are jerks you know!

If they're not jerks they're not true monsters.
Do your best, Tim. You can make an impact.

Kill yourself. Oh wait, wrong quest.

I think you're pretty close to being racist, maybe you should talk with the monsters about your problems.

PaladinQuest 2009/11/14(Sat)14:36 No. 76495 ID: fb5d8e
File 12582381798.png - (9.85KB , 600x600 , 2.png )

OK youre right, if the monster is good then he is not a monster just another species so i wont kill him.

I enter the cave in a hard boiled manner.
Two kobolds are shocked by my arrival. One reaches for his shortbow.

>>76495
KISS KOBOLD.

DIRECTLY ON THE NOSE.

DO IT.

Trip and fall. Like a real paladin.

>>76495
Oh wait, I didn't know you were talking about kobolds.
Brutally murder them at once.

>>76495
Greet the spear-holder calmly. You have a range advantage. Have there been reports of kobold raiders in the area?

Those are obviously vile orcs. Decapitate them before they have a chance to use their weapons.

PaladinQuest 2009/11/14(Sat)14:42 No. 76502 ID: fb5d8e
File 125823856423.png - (9.88KB , 600x600 , 3.png )

If they make a wrong move I will kill them right away.
Im not kissing them, ew.

>Hello
I say to the kobold with the spear.
>Have there been reports of kobold raiders in the area?

The kobold shakes his head.
>But what about
the other kobold says and the first one interrupts.
>ssshh!!

>>76502
They seem scared, not angry/evil. These are probably just nice kobolds hiding from the raiders. Ask them if they need protection from the raiders, and if not carry on.

>>76502
"Oh? Any goblins then?"
and while you talk cast Detect Evil. You godly knight-types can do that, right?

They're lying. Kill them.

>>76502
These are the kobolds that have slayed your parents, Tim.

You know what needs to be done, Tim.

Make them suffer, Tim.

PaladinQuest 2009/11/14(Sat)14:50 No. 76508 ID: fb5d8e
File 125823903259.png - (10.39KB , 600x600 , 4.png )

>Okay. Did you see any goblins? Do you need protection from Raiders?
I ask them. I also call on my innate ability to detect malicious intent and i concentrate real hard.
The kobolds seem a little scared by it.
I dont detect any malicious intent.

>No i didnt see any goblins.
The kobold with the spear says. The other one pops in:
>I think the goblins took your sheep, sir! It wasn't us!

>>76508
Their evil is blocking your heavenly powers, Tim.

Kill them.

>>76508
You didn't say anything about sheep. They might have taken someone's sheep, but don't kill them for that. Help them see the error of their ways and turn them toward the path of the righteous.

Maybe they can become your students!

FOUL GOBLINS! THEIR EGGS OF INIQUITY SHALL TASTE OUR SPATULA OF JUSTICE! PALADIN AWAY!

>>76508
...Alright already, put down the sword.
These are obviously not monsters. Look at them they're terrified of you.
In fact they look kind of adorable.
I say you keep one.
As, er... an apprentice! Yeah!

PaladinQuest 2009/11/14(Sat)14:58 No. 76513 ID: fb5d8e
File 125823952445.png - (6.88KB , 600x600 , 5.png )

Thats a good point I didnt think of that.

>Okay I didnt say anything about sheeps, did you steal the sheep?
I ask them.

>No......

>If you lie I will kill you!

>Okay we took the sheep! Were so sorry, sir! Please forigve us!

They cry.

THEY'RE MADE OF HUGE EVIL. CLEAVE AND SMITE. CLEAVE AND SMITE THEIR EVIL.

>>76513
"Now, now, my little Kobolds, you don't have to cry. Why did you take the sheep?"
Maybe they had a good reason?

>>76513
Evil isn't that much of a wuss. Let them live.

I'm pretty sure the punishment for sheep rustling is death.
Just think of the poor human children who might starve cause of those greedy beasts.
Which god are you follwing anyways?

>>76516
This voice is onto something, you must learn their true intent before judgement can be passed for their minor wrongdoing.

Neither letting them live or killing them is the righteous path.

YOU MUST TURN THEM INTO HOLY SOLDIERS!

PaladinQuest 2009/11/14(Sat)15:04 No. 76522 ID: fb5d8e
File 125823983993.png - (6.72KB , 600x600 , 6.png )

"Now, now, my little Kobolds, you don't have to cry. Why did you take the sheep?"
I ask them

>Becauze winter is coming and it gets cold in the winter so we get the sheep in our cave and we all huddle up against the sheep and it's warm.

>>76513
Take the unfortunate little 'bolds under your wing!
Teach them the ways of the paladin!

>>76522
Take the unfortunate little 'bolds under your wing!
AND CRUSH THEIR HEADS!

>>76522
Well, they aren't harming the sheep in any way, so there should be no need for bloodshed. Ask about where the goblins are, they probably need to be rid from the world.

>>76522
"Well, stealing is a bad thing to do, but I understand why you did it. How about we find you a different way to get through the winter that doesn't involve stealing sheep?"

Besides, a bunch of squires would cut down on your chores.

PaladinQuest 2009/11/14(Sat)15:10 No. 76529 ID: fb5d8e
File 125824025554.png - (6.55KB , 600x600 , 7.png )

>"Well, stealing is a bad thing to do, but I understand why you did it. How about we find you a different way to get through the winter that doesn't involve stealing sheep?" Also tell me where the goblins are becuz I probably need to kill them.
>OK what do you suggest that we do? And the goblins are down stream the river where they have a really huge fortress stronghold.

>>76529
"Is it a stronghold of EVIL!?"

>>76529
Tell them to uh...
Make a great big fire!
Also they could trade stuff for blankets from... somewhere!

"Well..squires get free room and board!"

>>76529
Maybe we can find someone in the local town who won't try to kill them on sight and could use some hard workers? You should probably be along, though, to make sure they don't outright get killed by guards/whatnot.

Not to mention, returning the sheep and apologizing to those they were taken from. You'll have to keep a close eye on them at all times, though; you never know who might try to kill them.

Have you kobolds not heard of fire?

PaladinQuest 2009/11/14(Sat)15:18 No. 76535 ID: fb5d8e
File 125824065591.png - (6.77KB , 600x600 , 8.png )

>"Is it a stronghold of EVIL!?"
I ask
THe kobolds nod their heads fervently
>Frhbrlen one time say the goblins attack a traveller on a donkey.

>>76535
HOW DARE THEY! Make the evil goblins pay for their atrocious crimes!

Maybe you should check deeper into the cave..

PaladinQuest 2009/11/14(Sat)15:24 No. 76539 ID: fb5d8e
File 125824109729.png - (6.54KB , 600x600 , 9.png )

>Can't you make a big fire?
I ask them, but he shakes his head
>No, it's not healthy to make a big fire in the cave due to ventilation. We'd all die from the smoke.
>Okay what about trading stuff for blankets?
>We do that but it's still cold.
>Okay what if I get you a job in the city?
>Will you get the entire tribe a job?
>No.
>OK. Then we prefer the sheep, sorry.
>OK, Im going to check deeper into the cave.
>OK.

I still say cleaving the fuck out of them would be the wisest thing.

>>76540
NO. Quiet you. >:(

Cant they huddle up with eachother under a blanket?

>>76539
Quest goal achieved: Work up money to buy the sheep legitimately and give them to the kobolds.

PaladinQuest 2009/11/14(Sat)15:32 No. 76548 ID: fb5d8e
File 125824157544.png - (11.26KB , 600x600 , 10.png )

I walk deeper into the cave. It opens into a small round room with the sheep and kobolds working in the middle, and small alcoves all over the walls where kobolds sleep and baby kobolds are playing.
They all look at me with a mix of fear and curiousity.

>>76548
Damn, they're not evil enough to kill. Well, say hi and help them if you want.

PaladinQuest 2009/11/14(Sat)15:41 No. 76555 ID: fb5d8e
File 125824207588.png - (11.22KB , 600x600 , 11.png )

>Hello, I am Tim. I am going to buy you these sheep so you can keep them.
I say.
Everyone stays quiet because they dont know how to respond, but one young little kobold says
>Are you a hero, Tim?

>>76555
Swear. Just this once. It's okay, God knows swearing is acceptable if you're being badass, and if you're not taking His name in vain.

"FUCK YES, I am"

>>76555
I'm not a hero. I'm not a savior. I'm not what you know.
I'm just a man whose circumstances are beyond his control.

>>76555
I but try.

PaladinQuest 2009/11/14(Sat)15:46 No. 76561 ID: fb5d8e
File 125824237494.png - (6.91KB , 600x600 , 12.png )

>FUCK YES i am
Gasps sound through the cave.

PaladinQuest 2009/11/14(Sat)15:55 No. 76564 ID: fb5d8e
File 125824293620.png - (11.23KB , 600x600 , 13.png )

Everyone is very impressed and no longer scared. This makes me feel pretty happy and also confident.
What do I do now?

Lead them out to the town. And get them convicted for their crimes.

>>76564
Obviously we must SMITE the EVIL GOBLINS and take the RICHES we obtain from their EVIL LAIR to buy WARM FUZZY SHEEP for the KOBOLDS.

>>76564
Do we have enough gold to buy the sheep immediately? We should get that taken care of straight-away. Then we should find someone knowledgeable in the sheep-herding business to mentor these kobolds.

PaladinQuest 2009/11/14(Sat)16:04 No. 76568 ID: fb5d8e
File 125824348062.png - (6.71KB , 600x600 , 14.png )

OK, I will go to defeat the goblins then use the gold I got from it to buy the sheep from the farmer and give them to the kobolds.
I am heading down stream the river.

>>76567
thus breaking the vicious cycle of poverty induced crime

>>76567
BOOO-RING!

Fuck this, let's kill shit!

PaladinQuest 2009/11/14(Sat)16:09 No. 76571 ID: fb5d8e
File 125824379654.png - (8.91KB , 600x600 , 15.png )

There is a big tower with many tents around it. I see lots of goblins.

>>76568
You do realise this is going to end up in the Nine Hells, beating up demons to pay off the various races usually described as monstrous?

>>76571
Announce that you intend to slaughter their men, rape their women, and eat their children. This can only go well.

>>76571
Examine the goblins: are they voluptuous?

>>76571
Announce to them that:
"YOUR RECKONING IS AT HAND, FOUL DEMONS!
RENOUNCE YOUR EVIL WAYS OR I SHALL BE FORCED TO CLEANSE THIS PLACE OF YOUR EVIL!"
Then commence to SMITE EVILing everything in sight.

>>76573
He doesn't look like an elf to me. His ears and chin are insufficiently pointy.

>>76578
Exactly. Elves can only get the 'raping women' part down, and even that they manage to fuck up.

PaladinQuest 2009/11/14(Sat)16:22 No. 76580 ID: fb5d8e
File 125824453198.png - (12.22KB , 600x600 , 16.png )

I sense malicious intent all over this place.
I will smite the goblins!

>"YOUR RECKONING IS AT HAND, FOUL DEMONS! RENOUNCE YOUR EVIL WAYS OR I SHALL BE FORCED TO CLEANSE THIS PLACE OF YOUR EVIL!"

>Holy mother of shit!

>>76571
That tower, it looks... familiar...

>>76580
OHSHI- Run D'awwblins!

PaladinQuest 2009/11/14(Sat)16:27 No. 76583 ID: fb5d8e
File 125824483920.png - (11.66KB , 600x600 , 17.png )

>WHO GOES THERE?

The door to the tower is opening from the inside.

>>76580
SMITE
FUCKING
EVERYTHING

>>76580
Its time to draw back the strong hand of justice and whip it across their perfidious faces!

>>76583
IT IS I, TIM, PALADIN OF [insert deity here].
I HAVE COME TO CLEANSE THIS PLACE OF EVIL!
SHOW YOURSELF!

Time to Smite Evil all over the fucking place.

PaladinQuest 2009/11/14(Sat)16:41 No. 76590 ID: fb5d8e
File 125824569886.png - (10.15KB , 600x600 , 18.png )

>IT IS I, TIM, PALADIN OF THE SUNGOD. I HAVE COME TO CLEANSE THIS PLACE OF EVIL! SHOW YOURSELF!

Urgh, the malicious intent is very strong in this one. It's almost unbearable.

>PUNY HUMAN! YOU CAN NOT DEFEAT KH'TUG'TAR THE ORC PRINCESS!

did um. did we detect eevil before we started smiting? these may have been good goblins

>>76590
She's hot, invite her out for a beer.

>>76590
Damn look at those massive... horns.
Ahem.
Well... What are you waiting for? SMITE THE FUCK OUT OF HER.

Smite her. WITH YOUR PENIS!

>>76590
Don't worry, Tim. All she needs is good dicking. With your sword.

>>76590
Looks like its time to... lock horns.

PaladinQuest 2009/11/14(Sat)16:49 No. 76600 ID: fb5d8e
File 125824617639.png - (9.96KB , 600x600 , 19.png )

>Let's get a beer!
I tell her.
She growls back
>You come to KH'TUG'TAR's tower and kill KH'TUG'TAR's army of evil goblins, then challenge KH'TUG'TAR to drinking game ? You have balls. KH'TUG'TAR likes balls. Come in.

Reaver, Reaver... you're so damn predicatable

>>76600
Enter the tower.. but be wary! Often they have deamons to back up their words.

>>76600
Hells yeah! Onward to alcohol-soaked glory, in the name of the SUNGOD!

>>76602
I'm not entirely convinced it's Reaver... the lines are too heavy and the chins too round. And there are subtler differences...

she likes balls. Quick, seduce her.

>>76607
She might like them for lunch.
Keep your pants on.

PaladinQuest 2009/11/14(Sat)17:01 No. 76609 ID: fb5d8e
File 125824686244.png - (7.88KB , 600x600 , 20.png )

We go into the tower and sit down at a table and she slams a mug with stinky liquid on the table.
>Here. I will go get another one for me.
she says.
She leaves to the kitchen.

Look at the floor please. For the love of god beware the floor.

Floors can be dangerous.

>>76609
I doubt her goodwill.
Insist on a toast to begin, see if hers looks the same as yours.

Dump the beer into the plant pot. When she comes back pretend we just finished downing it.

>>76609
stab her in the back of the face

>>76613
That'd be unhonourable.

..you drink right?

PaladinQuest 2009/11/14(Sat)17:08 No. 76617 ID: fb5d8e
File 125824728532.png - (5.47KB , 600x600 , 21.png )

I dump the drink into the pot.

>>76617
In before the plant catches on fire

PaladinQuest 2009/11/14(Sat)17:09 No. 76619 ID: fb5d8e
File 125824737597.png - (8.12KB , 600x600 , 22.png )

She comes back with another mug which she slams on the table. She takes the empty one.
>You already finished it? Now KH'TUG'TAR has to get new one. Wait for signal to start next time.
She leaves with the empty mug again.

>>76619
Dump this one in the potted plant too.

>>76619
Just drink it you pansy. She's an orc - poison is way too subtle for her.

PaladinQuest 2009/11/14(Sat)17:17 No. 76625 ID: fb5d8e
File 12582478356.png - (7.75KB , 600x600 , 23.png )

She comes back with a mug of her own and says
>Okay, now we can drink. On the count of three.
>One..
>Two..
>Three!

>>76625
CONSUME!

Try to talk her into a game of quarters.
Also: Compliment her assets.

>>76625
Throw the mug into her face and rip her guts out.

>>76625
Down the hatch!... don't forget all that paladin training to resist poisons!

chug with justice

>>76625
Bring it to your lips, but as she's drinking and can't see you, pour it in the plant.

Want some rye? 'course you do!

PaladinQuest 2009/11/14(Sat)17:23 No. 76634 ID: fb5d8e
File 125824821761.png - (7.89KB , 600x600 , 24.png )

I drink.
She doesn't drink.

PaladinQuest 2009/11/14(Sat)17:23 No. 76635 ID: fb5d8e
File 12582482353.png - (5.46KB , 600x600 , 25.png )

I pass out.

You gon' get date raped.

or poisoned.

>>76635
Ahahahahahaa you wuss!
nb4 forced orc sexin'

>>76631
I'm pretty sure that's disease.

>>76635
...Pray that she doesn't do things to you while you are unconscious.

>>76642
Or pray she does things rather than just kill you.

umm... wake up?

PaladinQuest 2009/11/14(Sat)17:33 No. 76649 ID: fb5d8e
File 125824881684.png - (8.24KB , 600x600 , 26.png )

I wake up.
I'm in a cage outside the tower, suspended over the bodies of all the goblins i killed.
All my gear is gone.

time to use your high charisma to charm your way out of there.

Bend the FUCK out of those bars.

Examine the cage for a way to escape. In case you don't find anything, it looks like your head doesn't fit between the bars, but feel free to try (and see if you can make the opening wider).

>>76649
Look around for birds or sheep. Ask them to get the kobolds to free you.

>>76649
Try to grab a weapon using your legs.

>>76649
Masturbate furiously.

Bend Bars and Lift Gates.

>>76649
Swing the cage and hope it breaks open! Or just for fun.

PaladinQuest 2009/11/14(Sat)17:43 No. 76665 ID: fb5d8e
File 125824938754.png - (6.89KB , 200x200 , pausing.png )

(Im pausing here for now, thanks for playing)

>>76649
Man, you guys SUCK at Monkey Island.

Magic the lock open.