puke on the floor so we can see it

Do, like, you know, a thing.

learn the sacred art of stick fighting.

Brom 2013/04/01(Mon)11:22 No. 503167 ID: 98cd65
File 136484054988.png - (4.96KB , 800x600 , 2.png )

you puke on the floor; ha Ha!
this is random and therefore provokes hilarity

Brom 2013/04/01(Mon)11:24 No. 503170 ID: 98cd65
File 136484065719.png - (110.83KB , 800x600 , 3.png )

you investigate what you puked.

why, it's biting metanarrative satire. you

Brom 2013/04/01(Mon)11:24 No. 503172 ID: 98cd65
File 136484066877.png - (318.04KB , 800x600 , 4.png )

"BROM"

oh fuck hold on

"BROM WHAT ARE YOU DOING"

oh no its my wife she's outside the door

"BROM ARE YOU MASTURBATING TO YOUR WEIRD FURRY GREY COW LOOKING BITCH AGAIN ON YR WEIRD FURRY WEBSITE AGAIN"

Remove one of the extra sticks from your head (c'mon, you don't need four! A triangle head will do) and imbue it with life, creating a stick woman.

Or another stick dude, if that's what you're into. Whatever. We don't judge.

>>503172
not meta enough! become more meta!

Tell her the truth.

It's worse. You're not masturbating, you're contributing. There is no hope.

Have crazy hot stickman sex with your wife.

Why else is she around?

Brom 2013/04/01(Mon)11:33 No. 503182 ID: 98cd65
File 136484123603.png - (249.04KB , 956x538 , 5.png )

o god i need to close these tabs oh no

"uh no honey"

"DONT LIE TO ME"

"uh yes honey"

"BROM DO YOU KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS TODAY"

"uhhhhhhhhhh yes honey"

"OK THEN WHAT DID YOU GET ME"

"what"

"ITS OUR ANNIVERSARY SHITHEEL"

>>503182
this is your fault for marrying someone on april fools. offer her the only thing you have. YOUR LEFT HAND

>>503185
no wait that's insane. offer her one of your tablet's halves. not both though, you don't want to make her greedy.

>anniversary
>on april fools
Make the case that it can't be your anniversary, because any marriage would technically have been a prank pulled on the two of you by the priest and therefore void. As such, you are not at fault.

Brom 2013/04/01(Mon)11:48 No. 503193 ID: 98cd65
File 136484210240.png - (881.32KB , 1119x741 , 6.png )

"april fools we're not married"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP"

"sorry honey"

"NOW GO GET ME AN ANNIVERSARY GIFT OR I'M GOING TO EAT ALL OUR BROMLETS"

"don't"

"WHAT ELSE ARE YOU GOING TO DO, START ANOTHER QUEST THEN ABANDON IT FOR 2 YEARS?"

well I mean I guess she's right I guess if it's our anniversary and the kids are at stake i should get her a gift

i take the subway into the city, do I take the blue line to Aquarium and hit up QUINCY MARKET or the green line to NEWBURY STREET or the Blood-red ScreamSkeleton line to DEATHSKULL MOUNTAIN

that last one has a layover on the orange line

Go to DEATHSKULL MOUNTAIN, you pansy.

Go wherever they sell dragon dildos.

Brom 2013/04/01(Mon)12:04 No. 503201 ID: 98cd65
File 136484309608.png - (1.05MB , 1000x750 , 7.png )

uhhhhh ok deathskull mountain it is

i try to avoid the eyes of the other passengers on the subway.
thats easy for some of them because they have no eyes, but some of them have like 50.

then we get off the orange line and it's even worse.

Fractured GoreMoan, the Doorlord on duty, is on duty at the door
which makes sense I guess

"What Black & Woeful Zephyr Blows Your Blasted Form To The First Bone Gate" he says
"hi Fractured GoreMoan"
"What Up Brom, How's The Wife"
"good"
"Seriously Though Tell Me What You Want Here And If I Determine It Will Waste My Time I'm Going To Peel Your Spine Out And Whip You Raw With It"

simple answer here, hell hath no fury like a scorned wife, whatever he can do will be a pansy little teaparty compaired to what she'll do to you

>>503201
how will brom feel the spine whip without a spine, man? that's not effective at all!

Threatening to eat the Bromlets is a decent threat, but not exactly original. What better anniversary gift for your wife than a new and exotic tool with which to threaten you? And what better place to find one than DEATHSKULL MOUNTAIN?

Brom 2013/04/01(Mon)13:31 No. 503231 ID: 98cd65
File 136484826464.png - (235.34KB , 662x576 , 8.png )

"i need to get something nice for Bromwife to threaten me with and thought i could get it at DEATHSKULL MOUNTAIN"
"Oh Well There's The Eternal Bladesword On Top Of Deathskull Mountain"
"is it threatening?"
"It's Mad Threatening"
a baleful corona of energy flickers to life between GoreMoan's spindly black fingers
"Unfortunately You're Never Going To Get It Because That Wasn't A Good Enough Reason, And Now I Am Going To Do That Spine Whip Thing"

d*ng i really want to hold on to what little spine i have left after Bromwife got through with me
what should i do?
i have
-The Blessed Cuirass of Triamond
-An Occult Tesseract of Dimension Blasting
-The old gypsy's bracelet
-A salami sandwich
-A linoleum kitchen tile with "Elbereth" written on it

throw the salami sandwich at him whilst screaming "sucketh my salty salami!"
then run past him & half-inch anything valuable he's got whilst he's distracted

Stand on the Elbereth tile, shove the sandwich in your mouth, equip the bracelet, and dual weild attack with the Cuirass in one hand and the Tesseract in the other.

That's gotta do something.

PEOPLES' WILL 2013/04/01(Mon)14:04 No. 503245 ID: 29c085
File 136485025889.png - (192.04KB , 662x576 , brompower.png )

THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE DEMAND YOU BE GRANTED THIS

We're not entirely sure what it is. The will of the people also demand you be given a slap in the face for asking it.

>>503231
Stand on the tile and just eat your sandwich.

>>503245
Also wield Astonishing and Dangerous Power.

>>503249
Seconding this wak. Wak wak.

Brom 2013/04/01(Mon)17:21 No. 503324 ID: 98cd65
File 136486211672.png - (496.89KB , 792x576 , 9.png )

i sit on the tile and eat the sandwich

"Hey Get Off That"

"Hey"

"Stop"

"no"

"Well, Dang. Okay I Am Going To Go Get Coffee. Please Be Off The Tile When I Get Back Or Alternatively Please Rip Out Your Own Spine And Beat Yourself To Death With It."
"okay"
"Okay"

i added Astonishing and Dangerous Power to my INV but i didnt use it yet

Brom 2013/04/01(Mon)17:23 No. 503325 ID: 98cd65
File 136486220283.png - (1.10MB , 1000x750 , 10.png )

the first bone gate is open and i am free to continue into the tower

wait is this sandwich kosher or

man i don't even know i had an easter bunny yesterday i'm an awful jew regardless

>>503325
Proceed.

Put the sandwich wrapper in the tip skull jar and continue onwards.

Brom 2013/04/01(Mon)17:48 No. 503336 ID: 98cd65
File 136486371763.png - (499.46KB , 792x576 , 11.png )

i put the wrapper in the tip skull then take a quarter because hava nagila

anyway i'm in the tower now but i gotta go through the tower to climb up the rest of DEATHSKULL MOUNTAIN

Brom 2013/04/01(Mon)17:51 No. 503340 ID: 98cd65
File 136486391388.png - (206.23KB , 800x533 , 12.png )

ok the guy in the tower is named DreckLord and DreckLord's a total fuckass. he has a scintillatory orbit prism and he's so shitty about it to everyone

"oy brom how u doin m8 u like my scintillatory orbit prism"
"yeah its real cool DreckLord listen can i go through to the mtn"
"u cheeky shite u aint gettin anywhere now that ur so cheeky m8 ow u like them appls"
"also complement my orbit prism or im gonna rip you into lil bits"

Tell him you find it incredibly erotic. You're so turned on right now you can barely focus. He'll either be creeped out and let you through, or you'll bang; win-win.

>>503340
Tell him its resplendent glory brings you to literal tears. The many colors of its radiance bathe your eyes like a pure mountain spring filled with tiny fish that swim about happily, ignorant of the cruelty of the world.

Use the Occult Tesseract of Dimension Blasting to suck his precious shiny thingy into another dimension. Then we'll see how tough he is.

Brom 2013/04/01(Mon)22:38 No. 503443 ID: 98cd65
File 136488109651.png - (63.57KB , 800x600 , 13.png )

"your orbit prism's resplendent glory brings me to literal tears. The many colors of its radiance bathe me eyes like a pure mountain spring filled with tiny fish that swim about happily, ignorant of the cruelty of the world."

Brom 2013/04/01(Mon)22:38 No. 503444 ID: 98cd65
File 136488113625.png - (137.53KB , 800x592 , 14.png )

"it is so scintillating & enticing i can barely focus. my breath is taken away by its chromatic depths. i"

Brom 2013/04/01(Mon)22:39 No. 503445 ID: 98cd65
File 136488116310.png - (127.48KB , 800x564 , 15.png )

"ummmmmmmmm"

>>503445
Ask if you can pass now please thank you.

Kiss him. He might not let you through otherwise. Just like your wife!

slap him while he is so close to you.

Brom 2013/04/01(Mon)23:55 No. 503464 ID: 98cd65
File 136488572011.png - (56.22KB , 800x600 , 16.png )

"can i go now"
"o but m8 i nevver new u was so into effulgent abstract geometries
ow bout you stay a while"

"i um ummmmm"

oh no brom yr freezing up yr a married man

i gotta get out of here
oh no his body is suddenly a lot more detailed oh jeez
wait are those
are those

Brom 2013/04/01(Mon)23:55 No. 503465 ID: 98cd65
File 136488573587.png - (82.86KB , 800x802 , 17.png )

are those

tanlines

Brom 2013/04/01(Mon)23:55 No. 503466 ID: 98cd65
File 136488575263.png - (105.08KB , 800x802 , 18.png )

IM IN SOME REAL FUCKIN TROUBLE HERE GUYS

>>503466
Whip out your abstract geometry then talk about it at length.

I mean the Tesseract.

What the wife doesn't know won't hurt her.

>>503477
SHE'LL KNOW.

>>503478
THAT BROM GOT HER A SWEET GIFT.

STICK IT IN!

...by which I mean take advantage of your close proximity to shove the scary thing inside the tesseract, trapping it in another dimension.

Brom 2013/04/02(Tue)09:56 No. 503513 ID: 98cd65
File 136492178913.png - (126.87KB , 800x533 , 19.png )

"i also have some cool abstract geometry check this out"
"oy m8 is that an occult tesseract ov dimension blasting oy wotch whair u point that thing aw buggggaaahhhhh"
DreckLord is too ensnared by my seductive trembling & sweaty palms to get away in time & is sucked into the tesseract prism-first & blasted into another dimension, as the name would suggest

neato

i wish he'd left his prism

>>503513
Dang.

Move along then. Let's get that threatening thing.

continue ascent

or stick your penis in the tesseract your call

Brom 2013/04/05(Fri)01:01 No. 503981 ID: 20ac80
File 136514887612.png - (475.40KB , 768x1024 , 20.png )

Ok here we are at DEATHSKULL MTN proper

d*ng that's really high up and spooky looking

uh do you guys have any way i can make this easier on my noodly little arms

>>503981
You could try putting on the old gypsy's bracelet and hope it makes you super strong or lets you fly or reduces your weight or something.

I wonder how you make a cuirass out of three joined triangles. also if it's useful. it probably isn't. throw it away.

>>503992
Triamond. It's one better than Diamond.

Doesn't have anything to do with triangles.

>>503993

look up polyiamonds.

>>503982
Sounds like a plan.

>d*ng
dang? dung? ding? dong?

No! We'll never know which you mean and forever be left in ambiguous doubt! Curse you, censorship!

Rocket jump using the Astonishing & Dangerous Power.

Brom 2013/04/05(Fri)14:47 No. 504058 ID: 20ac80
File 136519846511.png - (886.46KB , 1119x741 , 21.png )

>>504027
aaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAああああああああああああ

Brom 2013/04/05(Fri)14:50 No. 504059 ID: 20ac80
File 136519865704.png - (266.98KB , 900x600 , 22.png )

ow

good thing i was wearing the Blessed Cuirass of Triamond or i'd be a bromstain on the ground

oh hey john romero is here

"Hello, Brom."

"hi"

"To win the Bladesword, you must kill me, John Romero."

"do i have to kill you i really was fond of doom ii"

"Well okay we don't need to fight to the death. You just need to defeat me in any competition you care to name, and if I win I will kill and eat you."

"can it be a having a body competition"

"No."
"okay"
"And don't be shitty."
"sorry john romero"

inb4 the oldest game

Rock Paper Scissors?

Monopoly.

>>504064

I change my vote to Diplomacy. Pick Turkey.

Challenge him to competitive dungeon crawl stone soup. You each get to roll one character and play till YASD or victory. Highest score wins.

>>504059
staring contest! easy win, you already draw your eyelids perpetually open.
masturbation contest! beat him with experience! also he obviously doesn't have a penis.
hide and seek, just take the bladesword while he's hiding.

Brom 2013/04/06(Sat)00:54 No. 504149 ID: 20ac80
File 136523488874.png - (239.04KB , 800x600 , 23.png )

>>504065
john romero wipes the fucking floor with me

"Okay so do you want to be, like, fried or boiled or what?"

>>504149
We're out of options.

It's time to put on the bracelet.

>>504149

We're out of options.

It's time to bring out the soy sauce.

>>504149
we're out of options.

it's time to bring out the sandwich.

>>504149
Point out a minute mistake he maid during turn 1. Complain that he's cheating. Make angry remarks about the original edition being better, then flip the table over.

>>504203
Yes. The end of the game is clearly the best time to complain about flaws in the initial conditions.

>>504203
Guys, the game is Diplomacy. Cheating is explicitly legal if you get away with it.

>>504331
Ah. Like the rule in monopoly that says technically you don't have to pay rent if the property owner doesn't ask you for it in time (and that will get you brutally murdered by friends and family if you try to play it).

Brom 2013/04/07(Sun)00:33 No. 504352 ID: 20ac80
File 136531998296.png - (123.84KB , 800x600 , 24.png )

i put on the bracelet & turn into a bugbear

amazing! just like the one-eyed gypsy lady said

"Whoa." says john romero. "Unfair. You totally lost. Take that off, I can't eat bugbear."

>>504352
Maul him. Also say no.

bug him. then bear him.

Beat him with your bear hands!

Brom 2013/04/07(Sun)02:11 No. 504361 ID: 20ac80
File 136532590516.png - (485.07KB , 1000x670 , 25.png )

i devour john romero. he tastes like mullet and failed ambition

the Eternal Bladesword reveals itself to me in a thrillant flash of divine light

get it and go home.

>>504361
Oh no, how will we take the sword with NO THUMBS?!?!?!?

Oh right, take off the bracelet first. Wait, was John Romero kosher?

Claim the sword as your own while (badly) trying to recreate the music and sound effects that play when you claim the master sword in the ocarina of time.

Pull the sword from the table! Claim your destiny as KING OF DEATHSKULL MOUNTAIN!

Brom 2013/04/08(Mon)12:09 No. 504597 ID: 4b1b03
File 136544816543.png - (549.79KB , 1000x545 , 26.png )

i pull off the bracelet and take the sword
the walls crumble away & reveal the spined, slobbering horde of DeathSkull Mtn, howling their dire worship on stripped & raw vocal cords

this is cool and all guys but i need to get this to bromwife
also i think i need to pick up some milk on the way home for pancakes tomorrow

Cool. We're done here. Take the shortcut and jump off death mountain. It only costs like half a heart or something.

>>504597
Order your horde to get milk for you. Then take the train home and have to stand because it's full.

Hey, a sword and a horde! Two gifts for the price of one! I'm sure Bromwife can think of all sorts of uses for these guys.

get a mook who can cook, a mook who can clean, a mook who can shop and a few mooks who can work well-paying jobs. there, you're set for life. you're welcome.

Brom 2013/04/10(Wed)01:08 No. 504941 ID: 6c20b7
File 136558130450.png - (203.00KB , 551x800 , 27.png )

"okay can any of you guys do housekeeping"

"YES LORD RACK & RUIN CRUSH & DESTROY"

"no i mean like domestically cook or like clean or something"

"YES LORD YES COOK MAN FLESH POUND DESPOIL"

"ummm ok uh what about just
i don't know can you like pick up groceries"

"YES LORD GNASH GORE DESTROY & REND & CONQUER"

"no i
jeez
are you guys even listening to me"

Send them to fight a land war in Asia. That'll get 'em off your hands.

>>504941
Ask them if they could handle your wife.

Look, just keep asking and every time you get an answer like that tell 'em to pair off and fight to the death.

Hopefully you should get someone more domestic soon.

tell them to fetch you a bunch of maids. an ugly bunch of maids.

Just bring your minions home to the bromwife. I'm sure she'll have them broken in, listening to her, and doing what you actually want them to in no time flat.

Brom 2013/04/11(Thu)00:09 No. 505197 ID: 6c20b7
File 136566417605.png - (153.01KB , 1000x456 , 28.png )

"okay well can any of you guys handle bromwife"

the army of DeathSkull mountain turns tail and flees, as one

"i thought not"

>>505197
Yep. I think we'd best be going, and get that sword to your wife.

Brom 2013/04/11(Thu)00:40 No. 505199 ID: 6c20b7
File 136566603588.png - (505.92KB , 800x532 , 29.png )

i return to house Brom w/ the sword

Brom 2013/04/11(Thu)00:40 No. 505200 ID: 6c20b7
File 136566603872.png - (419.81KB , 900x510 , 30.png )

"OK BROM I GUESS THIS IS GOOD ENOUGH THAT I WON'T EAT ALL THE BROMLETS
BUT IM HUNGRY SO GO MAKE FUCKING DINNER OR IM GOING TO LAY EGGS IN YOUR FFFFFUCKING EYE SOCKETS OK"
"ok"
"ALSO"
"what"
"OUR ANNIVERSARY IS ACTUALLY TOMORROW AND I EXPECT ANOTHER GIFT THEN
APRIL FUCKING FOOLS"

Welp, better clean out yer eye sockets for the new kids.

10/10 would read a sequel to.

I wish we bedded them.

Yesss. We took the ultimate cheating sequence breaking route. Best end.